The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
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realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.