The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
You Might Also Like
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Hot Hot Hot
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes