The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
the saddest jazz hands ever
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.