The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.