Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing