The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Worst bar ever.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.