Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.