Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???