sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
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the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Life hack
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously