The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.