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Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
How high do the levels go?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“no gods no masters” = leo
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
his wife is probably gonna see that
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐