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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Phonetics
Day 2 of my diet
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”