The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
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Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes