The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
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I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Left at a local drug store…
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*