The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Does this dress make me look cat?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
WTF
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
