The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
