The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
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What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I’m not sorry.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive