Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

☠️ ☠️

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

This rocks

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*