The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
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COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Happy Thanksgiving
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
“Why you watching this shit?”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.