The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.


Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.


I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.


Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.


“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.


Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*


[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt