The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
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Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.