The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
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You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.