The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
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I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Traveler’s camo
You’ll be OK
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Wikigenius
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
(by @ZachWeiner )
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together