The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
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I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶