Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.