The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???