The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I had to Stop for this
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
secret recipe
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
sin harder.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Day 2 of my diet
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Going to church you guys need anything