The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.