@aveuaskew

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

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@GuyEndoreKaiser

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

@ehdannyboy

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

@heatherlou_

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

@Sickayduh

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.

@Ty_Schutz

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

@shutupmikeginn

Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful

@WilliamAder

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

@Sarcasticsapien

Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.

@WheelTod

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

@jeannerbeaner

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.