The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*