The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
shit just got real
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
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excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.