The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
You Might Also Like
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Wikigenius
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately