I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.
If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Bears love that song.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.