The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
You Might Also Like
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…