Before you abduct someone do you have to fill in a chloroform?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*
*Fails to see holes in plan*
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one