@stevehasatweet

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

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@jackiembouvier

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

@shariv67

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

@jngraphs

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

@TheTalkingPipe

If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Bears love that song.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

@iRowlf

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

@GaryJanetti

I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.