@stevehasatweet

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

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@clichedout

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

@Underchilde

*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*

*Fails to see holes in plan*

@scott_towel

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

@FatherWithTwins

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

@MummaCrazy

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

@RuinMyWeek

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

@ddsmidt

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one