The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]