Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey