The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
“The Perfect Relationship”
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?