The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch