The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
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Me when I hear gossip
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
You sure about that?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Message from the dog groomers
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that