The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
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Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
…..pretty much.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Is….Is this an option?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves