The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit