The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
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me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal