Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]