The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
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Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I’m literally crying
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I like long walks away from everyone