Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

thinking about this

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

Catercrombie & Fish

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start