The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
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the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Brands during Pride
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”