Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Getting married soon just need a spouse

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.