The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.