The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means