The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it