The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Every time my phone rings
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops