The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Twitter fine art
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious