The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My god she’s good.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.