the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
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You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”