the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
You Might Also Like
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Merry Christmas
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.