The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
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there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem