The Eggorcist
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
