The Eggorcist
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Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
secret recipe
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”