the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
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Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Möther may I have a snäck
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.