the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
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cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*aggressively waits in line*
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.