The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
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“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro