The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
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Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Not all heroes wear capes…
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?