I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
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Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.