The elderly almost never expect a leg sweep.

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Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.


As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.


The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.


cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest


I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill


*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*


*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*


If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.