@Ilovelamp1979

The elderly almost never expect a leg sweep.

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@jobless4eyes

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

@Mekellie

As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.

@bonehugsnirony

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

@MattTheBrand

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

@AnkCoupleTO

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

@SardonicTart

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

@SatansTongue

*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*

@BGH70

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.