the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
