The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Thank heavens for community notes
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS