The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
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Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).