Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

cause of death:
autopsy.

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

“No way.” -Jose

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.