The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
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My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.