Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

this country is so goddamn polarized

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.