Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”