Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer