The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.