The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
An odd boast
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.