The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Yeah. This was me today.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.