Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Dune (2021)

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

This made me smile…

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”