Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

somebody come look at this

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?