The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
goldfish mafia
Dance like you’re not the father
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
