The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
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Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Is this you?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
“you look easy to draw”
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”