Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

San Francisco has too many rules

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Alexa turn off the planet

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.