The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Oops 🤭
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
wait a minute….
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.